Getting Children to Listen: Building Understanding and Connection
When we think about getting children to listen, it is easy to focus on compliance — but listening is a two-way street.
Children are more likely to listen when they feel seen, heard, and respected. Research in child development, including attachment theory (Ainsworth, 1979) and social learning theory (Bandura, 1977), shows that children’s cooperation grows strongest when relationships are built on trust, positive reinforcement, and modeling
In this article, we explore five research-supported strategies to foster listening through understanding and connection.
1. Get on Their Level to Show Engagement
Children interpret non-verbal cues even more strongly than verbal ones (Bloom, 2000). When an adult physically lowers themselves to the child’s eye level, it sends a powerful message: You have my full attention.
Eye contact, open body language, and kneeling or sitting to meet them where they are can make children feel safer and more willing to engage.
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings and Interests
Active listening — validating children’s emotions and acknowledging what matters to them — is crucial for connection. Studies on emotional coaching (Gottman et al., 1996) show that children who feel understood are better able to regulate their emotions and listen to guidance.
Even brief acknowledgments like, “I see you’re really excited about your game,” help children feel respected, which builds their willingness to listen.
3. Reinforce Positive Behaviour with Praise
According to principles of operant conditioning (Skinner, 1953), behaviour that is positively reinforced is more likely to be repeated. Specific praise — for example, “You followed directions so quickly!” — is more effective than vague praise like “Good job.”
Positive reinforcement helps children internalize the behaviours we want to see, fostering intrinsic motivation over time.
4. Use Gentle Transitions to Prepare Them for What’s Next
Transitions are often challenging because they require a cognitive shift. Research on executive functioning (Diamond, 2013) shows that children, especially younger ones, need support to manage these changes.
Gentle transitions, such as giving five-minute warnings or using visual timers, help children anticipate and prepare for change, making them more likely to cooperate.
5. Model Good Listening by Actively Listening to Them
Children learn through imitation (Bandura, 1977). When adults model attentive listening — maintaining eye contact, responding thoughtfully, and avoiding interruptions — children are more likely to replicate these behaviours themselves.
By listening deeply to our children, we teach them how to listen in return.
Final Thoughts
Helping children become better listeners is less about enforcing obedience and more about nurturing relationships grounded in respect, patience, and consistency.
At The Grove Collective, we believe that when we prioritize connection, understanding naturally follows — and from understanding, cooperation grows.
